okay okay okay..

It’s been a bit since I last wrote. I’ve been so busy and up, down and repeat.. I’ve been pretty emotional about not seeing my daughter for a while and not talking to her. Found that I’m completely terrified how my daughters dad is going to react if he actually answer’s the phone to me, I haven’t called in a while and I’ve been feeling guilty while at the same time afraid of how he’s going to respond to me, is he going to say something to hurt me? I’m sure, but once in a while when I think I’m sure of that he suprises me and is actually nice probably biting his tongue though.. Then emotional about the fact that he still effects me when he throws a low blow comment my way.. I broke down crying in group last friday about it. The people in my group were sweet, a few of them gave me a group hug outside after group lol. After that I got mail from child support telling me they already got to my work and are taking out $361 a month which at first I though was that plus another $301, but today I figured out that was not the case. It’s just that and that’s all, not so bad. Other than all that I’ve been going to my groups and going to work, today’s my day off “Woohoo!” I had some dull groups and some awesome groups, they also fixed a time for me to do my UA’s when my color is called since I work at the time they usually take them, which I’m going to fail because I did smoke weed they past few days stressing about the child support thing and thinking I’m going to be homeless because of child support at the same time while missing my daughter so much it hurts too much.. Today though I went to the child support office and talked to them and that took a lot of stress off my back, and I went to a family recovery center to see what they resources they have to offer for helping me get visitation or partial custody of my daughter. I’m tired of feeling like the bad parent for not being able to see my daughter because he doesn’t make it easy for me, but according to him I should be doing everything I can to find a way to go over to his place where there’s no bus line to go see her. Even if I took a bus and had him pick me up that would leave me trapped and on his terms with no phone and no other way to get back to the bus or max to get back home when I need to, but that’s all there is about that situation until I get help figuring out how to make it possible to have her visit me and even stay with me sometimes or as much as I possibly can have happen. Also at work, my kill them with kindness thing is working. Seems I’ve effected one of the dishwashers enough that he actually helps me out now and his assholey comments aren’t so assholey lol. Another thing, the guy from group that I’m kinda crushin on that has the same name as my best friend gave me his number, so that reeeeeeally made my day yesterday 😀 . The flirting is definately on lol. So my week has been a roller coaster, but I’m getting what I need taken care of and doing mostly what I’m supposed to be doing, but also trying to find some time to actually enjoy myself where I don’t feel like I’m on a time limit, which is hard when you have a full time job and groups to go to and other things to take care of. A whole hell of a lot better then avoiding them by getting drunk, which I really wanted to the day I saw that child support got to my work, but I had to ask myself “What is that really going to solve?” and remind myself that it’s just going to cause me more anxiety in the end and I don’t need any more to stress about. I’m sorry I’m all over the place with each thing that I’m going through all week, but it’s been a busy busy week.. I think I’m going to start writing at least some short post’s in between if I can even think when I get off work each day. I’m starting to at least take time to play some Minecraft pe on my tablet on the way to work and I’m taking my lunch breaks at work every work day now, that 30 minutes is at least something. Today I’m going to enjoy my day off with movies and maybe Minecraft, seriously trying not to fall asleep right now because I don’t wanna sleep through my day off, I want to enjoy it awake. Anyways, going to end this here because of that sleepiness though, maybe I’m just sleepy cause going to that child support place completely drained me with anxiety worrying so much. Thank you for reading…