Sometimes change is good

Times gone by and some things have changed, and so far for the better.. Although I’ve developed a bad habit of only talking about work to everyone so much it’s annoying, but that’s where I grew. I’ve been doing dishes for so long I took a small leap and helped the servers out to get used to being around people and also learn the job because I decided that’s what I really wanted and I challenged my anxiety so much it’s not even funny.. So then I waited and then waited some more and waaaaaited as I started to get used to being out there running dishes to the residents and talking more and getting comfortable. Finally they hired someone back and next thing I know she took 3 days of dish pit and BAM! I’m serving tables 3 days a week now, which has been so awesome because I’m not even afraid to get out there and take orders, some days I start to get nervous but then I just throw myself out there before I can overthink it. So this has been the biggest change in my life after soooo long of being so afraid to take chances. There is ups and downs about this job but I can’t help but smile and remember the upside, that I’m not being ruled by my anxiety. I still have moments when I wake up that my anxiety is so intense I can’t control or stop it and all I can do is take a pill and ride it out until that kicks in which still sucks, it’s like I lose so much energy fighting it on top of how sleepy the pills make me which makes for a sucky day at work. I’m still talking to the same guy I’ve been going after for a while now, i’m not sure where it’s going to go, I keep hoping that eventually he’ll want a relationship because sometimes he does some relationship like stuff which leaves me hanging here. I have seen two other guys during all this that don’t have any interest in something real.. well one of them did but he turned out kinnnda a little bit psycho and stalker like. That was one mistake that can’t happen again, and the other an old friends with benefits that turned out again a mistake and I re-learned not to trust strangers recently after saying yes to a drink because some guys are hornballs and don’t know how to control themselves.. So I see some changes I need to make there, like maybe stop searching for attention in all the wrong places.. This would be a much longer post if I were to get to deep with the details of the good and the bad, it’s been a long day at work and I’m tired though so for now i’m going to end this here and hopefully soon tell you about more good changes.

Changes and all that comes with them..

It has been a serious roller coaster these past few months and here March is, I’ve moved out of my old place.. I fell pretty deep in my depression the closer it got to March afraid I wouldn’t find a place to go in time and here I am in March with a roof over my head and a good friend.. backing up a bit though, I was on and off my medication and went back to drinking sometimes which didn’t get out of hand or anything but I felt like I was doing something bad every time I woke up after. Missed a lot of groups and not because of relapsing I actually was being scheduled every time at work at bad times and missing them, eventually the schedule got fixed but by the time that happened I was already moving. Still seeing the same guy that I met at my groups (he’s texting me as we speak) 🙂 I fell so deep into my depression that I started to sleep longer and get to work late and sorta not care about it yet tried to keep a good attitude at work which honestly wasn’t working so well. Got overworked more than a few times to the point where I constantly was breaking down at work and eventually just tried accepting the amount of work I was stuck with and a whole lot I feel like I’m not typing but now I’m here and again had a breakdown at work after trying all day not to, but was only able to hold it in until I couldn’t anymore. I haven’t had my medication for close to a month now (getting back on that tomorrow) and I’ve been up and down so much even though now these past few days I’m finally happy where I live even though I don’t have my own room, but at least I’m not being told I have to be out by March anymore and I’m not having to deal with a certain roommate that was getting overwhelming and finally flipped out on me and my best friend about not finding a place fast enough just because he was over helping dye my hair and any money I spent on myself she wasn’t happy about because that could have been saved to move out or spend on her dog or her food or her crap that no way in hell I was paying for.. Trying to get a lot out in one blog so if I seem scattered or rushed that’s how I’m feeling today, anxiety is high and depression is oh so very present at the moment even though there’s nothing to worry about and nothing to be sad about. When I broke down like I did at work.. technically yesterday because it’s 1am now, but when I did I was so embarassed and even now all I can think about is why can’t I just be normal? I feel like they probably think I’m crazy for breaking down crying and panicking like I did and it’s going to feel weird returning to work on wednesday. I was hoping because I moved that I would stay feeling happier even without the medication right away that I planned on getting on my day off which is today. Another thing is I have to wait until it starts working properly since antidepressent/ antianxiety medication takes a while to work and sometimes can make things worse the first week for me. It didn’t help that before breaking down crying I threw a small tantrum swiping dishes into the dishpit loudly (didn’t break any) in front of everyone (which is why I think they’re thinking badly of me).. So I need to set up counceling where I live and get back on my medication and seriously get back to blogging which is one thing that made me feel better. I’ve been putting it off and saying I’ll do it later, but I can’t continue to do that because it was part of what brought some sort of structure and helped get things out when I really needed it. It definately feels like I need it now since I’m on the verge of crying every once in a while yesterday and tonight. One good thing about living here is that I can get back on track with taking care of myself and all. I wake up and don’t feel like I want to immediately want to go back to sleep and forget about everything and bonus I get to learn how to cook some good food because my roommate also a Taurus and love’s food like me and is the gay male version of myself, but know’s how to cook more things (I know that’s random, here’s where the scattered part is) Anyways, I’m going to be on my tablet more often again so that I can get back to my blogs while I continue to find myself and hopefully more good things to come than bad emotional days… It started off a great day, but of course with depression and anxiety all it takes is one small thing to happen which yesterday all it took was me hurting my wrist at work soooo yeah that was not a fun day. Well.. I’m going to end this rambling blog here and hope that it wasn’t too painfully boring of a read haha..

Long time no see..

It has been entirely too long since I’ve posted. I feel like so much has happened since I’ve gotten this job.. I’ve been up and I’ve been down, most of all I’ve been so busy I feel like I don’t have time for anything anymore. I’ve been working so hard that by the time I do have free time all I wanna do is lay down and do nothing but play videogames until I fall asleep. I even started missing my groups for my job.. A whole lot has been going on with work, it’s out with the old in with the new with management and it’s just been crazy stressful and full of drama and changes for the good and some changes that weren’t working. I have finally got so fed up with doing the dishes there because I’m first to be taken advantage of to do more work then I really care to do while other dishwashers get away with they’re bullshit that I’ve finally asked to be eased into becoming a server. My anxiety is still there, but I’m more determined then ever at this point. I finally don’t have any problem talking to everyone in the kitchen and some of the residents so that’s improvement. I’ve actually been working on myself alot. I’ve gained self respect, I know that I deserve good things and I am me more than ever and if people don’t like it I don’t need them in my life. I can actually look at my own naked body in the mirror and say I don’t look bad at all, even with my belly and love handles. I am stressing the hell out though, March isn’t that far away and I haven’t even had time to look for a place to live that is even at all affordable for me…which makes me seriously sick to my stomach thinking about it so I’m going to not write much more about that at the moment. I’ve already at least planned on talking to someone who would have info I need on affordable places or whatever help she can give me.. Besides the bad stuff there’s the good stuff like I finally got to see my daughter after a while of not and it was so fun and exciting to see her, I went to visit the day before christmas eve and spend some time with her and give her the gifts I bought her which I knew she would love 🙂 . Her dad finally agree’d to letting her come stay nights with me when I have two days off in a row so that’s another freakin awesome thing 🙂 🙂 . Aaaand the guy that I’ve been seeing from my group, things are definately awesome there, he is so just… I can’t see a damn thing wrong with him. I have not had a guy who actually wants to take me out in so long. I forgot that’s how girls are supposed to be treated.. He asks me how I’m doing every day, he calls me love which is freakin adorable, he calls me just to hear my voice… I honestly might be falling for the guy… I am falling for the guy. yeah it’s been alot of ups and downs but I like to focus on those ups 🙂 I really would type more but i’m way too tired and had to make myself do this in the first place but I really really am going to try to keep up with this. it just might have to be on my lunch breaks when I’m not so tired that i’m gonna pass out in the middle of doing something. Thank you for reading again.

Quickie blog

I have been so so so busy, and when I’m not busy I’m trying to figure out what I want to do in what little amounts of time I have off. So much has happened and I’m going to try no matter how tired I am after work to write a lot more about it. Right now though, gotta rush in the shower and go to group. Still going to groups, groups are still going good although I did have a relapse momentarily but I’m trying to get back on track with that. Talking to my daughter lately, only twice so far but it’s something finally. Jobs going… well..ish. Guy at group that I talked about before, well he knows I have a huge crush on him now.. we kissed.. I’m freakin happy about that.Anyways. gotta get ready for work.

okay okay okay..

It’s been a bit since I last wrote. I’ve been so busy and up, down and repeat.. I’ve been pretty emotional about not seeing my daughter for a while and not talking to her. Found that I’m completely terrified how my daughters dad is going to react if he actually answer’s the phone to me, I haven’t called in a while and I’ve been feeling guilty while at the same time afraid of how he’s going to respond to me, is he going to say something to hurt me? I’m sure, but once in a while when I think I’m sure of that he suprises me and is actually nice probably biting his tongue though.. Then emotional about the fact that he still effects me when he throws a low blow comment my way.. I broke down crying in group last friday about it. The people in my group were sweet, a few of them gave me a group hug outside after group lol. After that I got mail from child support telling me they already got to my work and are taking out $361 a month which at first I though was that plus another $301, but today I figured out that was not the case. It’s just that and that’s all, not so bad. Other than all that I’ve been going to my groups and going to work, today’s my day off “Woohoo!” I had some dull groups and some awesome groups, they also fixed a time for me to do my UA’s when my color is called since I work at the time they usually take them, which I’m going to fail because I did smoke weed they past few days stressing about the child support thing and thinking I’m going to be homeless because of child support at the same time while missing my daughter so much it hurts too much.. Today though I went to the child support office and talked to them and that took a lot of stress off my back, and I went to a family recovery center to see what they resources they have to offer for helping me get visitation or partial custody of my daughter. I’m tired of feeling like the bad parent for not being able to see my daughter because he doesn’t make it easy for me, but according to him I should be doing everything I can to find a way to go over to his place where there’s no bus line to go see her. Even if I took a bus and had him pick me up that would leave me trapped and on his terms with no phone and no other way to get back to the bus or max to get back home when I need to, but that’s all there is about that situation until I get help figuring out how to make it possible to have her visit me and even stay with me sometimes or as much as I possibly can have happen. Also at work, my kill them with kindness thing is working. Seems I’ve effected one of the dishwashers enough that he actually helps me out now and his assholey comments aren’t so assholey lol. Another thing, the guy from group that I’m kinda crushin on that has the same name as my best friend gave me his number, so that reeeeeeally made my day yesterday 😀 . The flirting is definately on lol. So my week has been a roller coaster, but I’m getting what I need taken care of and doing mostly what I’m supposed to be doing, but also trying to find some time to actually enjoy myself where I don’t feel like I’m on a time limit, which is hard when you have a full time job and groups to go to and other things to take care of. A whole hell of a lot better then avoiding them by getting drunk, which I really wanted to the day I saw that child support got to my work, but I had to ask myself “What is that really going to solve?” and remind myself that it’s just going to cause me more anxiety in the end and I don’t need any more to stress about. I’m sorry I’m all over the place with each thing that I’m going through all week, but it’s been a busy busy week.. I think I’m going to start writing at least some short post’s in between if I can even think when I get off work each day. I’m starting to at least take time to play some Minecraft pe on my tablet on the way to work and I’m taking my lunch breaks at work every work day now, that 30 minutes is at least something. Today I’m going to enjoy my day off with movies and maybe Minecraft, seriously trying not to fall asleep right now because I don’t wanna sleep through my day off, I want to enjoy it awake. Anyways, going to end this here because of that sleepiness though, maybe I’m just sleepy cause going to that child support place completely drained me with anxiety worrying so much. Thank you for reading…

After a long week

I’ve been working really really hard all week, so today being my day off was freakin great.. Well besides the waking up at 5am in so much pain that I had to take a bath to be able to get back to sleep, but other then that, it was a good day. I went to my group, talked about how things have been and how exhausted and in pain I’ve been, but also how I still see the good in all of it, I have a job and it’s keeping me busy while giving me confidence in my abilities. I love going to my groups because even with negative we still have to think of the good in it all. What we’re greatful for.. It’s something everyone should do really. Example being, “I worked my ass off all week while the person training me didn’t help as much as I hoped and just now getting a day off,” but… ” I got a job and a paycheck to look forward too and I’m getting better at my job pretty quick.. and at least I have a day off.” I’m already looking at shit I want to blow my first paycheck on. A couple days ago I started breaking down at work though, I was so tired and didn’t take a break that day and wasn’t sure when I could take a break, but was near the end of the dishes and was pissed off at my trainer for not putting away more dishes.. yeah I was just not in a good mood at all, I started slamming dishes down, ignored my best friend and slamming the dish crates down. I was in a lot of pain, my feet felt like.. well like my best friend described to me earlier today, like.. stabbing. except by knives not needles.. I wanted to cry it was just terrible, it turned out that I forgot my antidepressant/anxiety pill that also apparently takes care of pain as well so that didn’t help. Again, I can feel it in my body when I miss a pill. It just didn’t come to mind until the next morning so that sucked ass. Yesterday I remembered and I was a little better at work, even worked with someone new that was asking me what I needed her to do. It was weird lol , but nice.. I’m definately ready for work already tomorrow, glad I had an entire day for my aching muscles to stop aching as much. I’ve been trying to figure out natural ways to take care of it because ibuprofin use for a long period of time can’t be good on anyones body.. So far I’ve been taking baths with a little bit of apple cider vinigar which has been seriously helping. Also looking forward to my groups tomorrow before work, It will set my mood for the day for sure, especially if my one other favorite person is there, I kinda have a crush on this guys mind, my best friend know’s who I’m talking about if he’s reading this because the dude has the same name as him and apparently that’s a no no because of that. Whatever, haha.. Not at all using group as a dating service I’m just sayin.. I really like to hear this guy talk. Anyways, tonight I’m gonna take another bath and meditate before bed. Meditation is something I’ve really been meaning to get back into, and I really really need it since I’m not relying on a high or drunk to make me feel good. I for sure know I don’t want anything to do with alcohol after the last time I drank. After a while of not feeling anxiety so intense and then doing that causing me to have anxiety like that again, no thanks.. I can’t handle that anymore, it’s the worst feeling ever.. I still get anxiety, but not as bad as I did the day after drinking. I’m glad I quit honestly.. The last time was a confirmation that I’m really done with it. Anyways.. So I’m going to get on with my night of relaxation before tomorrow, thank you for reading my somewhat scattered back and forth ramblings. I took some time to read some blogs tonight and probably will do more reading tomorrow before I leave. I especially love the poetry I’ve been reading on here. Goodnight everybody, or good morning in some countries 🙂

Well damn

Been a little/a lot busy, but I’m taking some time to write a post now. Day 4 of work and I am fuuuucking exhausted, but I’m really likeing being this busy.. I’m getting better with how quickly I can get things done and keeping up with the flow of things with getting the dishes done and unloading them, even cleaning up as I go which I got a compliment for.. well he said “Damn, when you work you work” and mentioned how clean my area was, the other guys don’t really clean as they go and the counters are all covered in dumped food. So yeah, that was a compliment to me 🙂 I got to bus tables the day before yesterday which was okay, but it brought on my anxiety pretty bad having to actually walk up to people and ask if they’re “done with that.” .. Not sure if I can officially get past that, kinda liking being in the dish pit better, even if it’s alot of work I can handle myself back there, even learning things like how to drain the damn sink manually when the garbage disposal stopped working today with this big T shaped thing that I had to stick in and turn lol.. It’s just pretty awesome to me because someone finally really gave me the chance to prove I can work with the help of my best friend, and yesterday my boss asked if I wanted to work full time instead of part time which was a hell yeah I do lol. Besides work, I went to my groups thursday and friday and that’s going great there, I’m sharing more and one of my favorite people in my group is officially on hug status with me, I decided that thursday haha. The only thing is I can’t be there when my color is named to come in between 4 and 7 to piss in a cup to prove I haven’t done anything… which I did.. yesterday I had some wine with my best friend, I was so tired after work and decided to drink with my best friend and we were going to play a game, but the wine ended up more of a sleepy time potion and I was just ready to pass out.. Which I woke up with really bad anxiety which made me lose some sleep before work today, so that sucked ass.. I don’t intend to drink again after that. Went to work so tired and blah.. It didn’t help I forgot to even take my antidepressant/anxiety pill before I went to bed last night. I can feel it in my body when I forget at this point. My body will ache more, I get so anxious my stomachs in knots, and I feel just… low.. It sucks. This is why being so busy is good for me, less time to dwell on what I’m feeling. Right now though I’m feeling tired and hungry, All I ate.. technically yesterday since it’s 1 in the morning now, but all I ate was a freakin twix. I didn’t even think about a break, or lunch or anything.. So.. I’m gonna stop typing now and find something to eat before I pass out. I swear I will get to reading other’s blog posts when I get more time to do so, I’m greatful for the one’s who take their time to read mine, really I am. I just need to figure out how to manage my personal time now that I have work to think about. pretty sure I’m supposed to work tomorrow too, not sure when my day off is. Kinda sucks my boss wasn’t in today so I could figure all that out.. Anyways, thank you for reading..

short and sweet-ish

So I’m officially working, in pain from yesterday but I’m sure I proved I can do it. I’m also sure by the end of this month I’m going to hate dishes haha.. I now know how it feels to be on your feet all day and not wanna do shit after, I can say that now.. I was a little nervous, but for anxiety, none of that. I was too busy to be anxious about anything.. Well except at the beginning I started having anxiety after having one too many energy drinks before work and nothing else in my stomach, felt like I was gonna pass out and that scared the shit out of me, but eventually it passed as I pushed on.. I missed two days of group for..eh-hem! personal reasons… Much needed personal time with one of my favorite people, a guy friend that I wish was more than friends with benefits with me, but I’ll take what I can get right now out of him.. He’s still going through emotions after the loss of his brother, which he doesn’t talk about much, but he was drinking which he doesn’t do, but I understand that too.. Even though it seriously made me want to drink too… So if all that we did made him feel better even for a moment I’m cool with that.. It sucks losing people. Of course the next day I got a call from my best friend asking if I could come into work the next day (yesterday) and I did, and this time they let me work.. And work I did, holy shit lol.. I have never seen so many dishes piled up.. Didn’t help that they guy who was training me kept saying he would have all of it done already or how quick he is ‘and he is fuckin quick’ he wasn’t lyin about that, but I can only go so fast at the moment. I have a hard time not getting overwhelmed by the amount that needs to be done rather than what I’m doing, so I’m gonna have to learn how to focus better on what I’m doing and not everything else. Anyways, I’m gonna have to end this post here and maybe if I’m not too tired, write more tonight before I zonk out. Sorry it’s not all that interesting, thank you for taking the time to ready anyway lol. Here’s an awesome meme thingy, I seriously love love love the mad hatter. ❤

Forward I Go..and other things

Well it’s been about four days now, I think it’s time to post something haha. Since I’m not busy at the moment.. Thursday I did my groups, had the Job interview and did my last group of that day and got my niece later on, that was for sure a busy day for me. My groups were awesome like always even though I was nervous about the job interview the whole time.. Nervous though, not anxious like I normally am. When I got to the place for the interview I filled out the application and my best friend gave me a tour of the place, I don’t even remember where the kitchen is, haha. Anyways, I did the interview, was put on the spot by the two people asking me questions while my best friend was in there with me, one of them wanted to judge me because ” I don’t look like a strong character. “ …Yeah, usually the reason I don’t get hired anywhere, because people are so quick to judge before they even know what people’s capabilities are. Luckily the other one was willing to give me a chance and asked if I wanna come in monday. So, I GOT THE JOB!! 🙂 🙂 and I start tomorrow. I work 3 days this week and I’m excited about it, definately wanna prove myself to the guy who chose not to believe in me.If it weren’t for my best friend vouching for me, I wouldn’t have had a chance. Which I’m greatful for, but honestly it’s not fare how people who are doing the hiring judge so quickly. This is why people with anxiety like me feel so discouraged to even try, so then we’re left with being on welfare and having to get on disability which all these working tax payers complain about, and some of these tax payers are the one’s who are doing the hiring, that turned someone down because of that person’s anxiety making them look like they’re “Not a strong character.” How bullshit is that? So I am really thankful for my best friend, and for the man who trusted his judgement. Anyways, had my niece from thursday night to this morning and it was nice spending time with her another weekend, we spent most the time watching youtube video’s of Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, and other video’s. My niece is the one who got me into those two, when I was feeling most alone their voices filled in the quiet and their video’s seriously make me laugh with their reactions and games they play lol. Yesterday my dad took us to see a movie, we finally got to see Suicide Squad, I freakin loved it, it’s not very often I get to see a movie in theater’s anyway. I’ll probably do that a little more often since I have a job now, but I gotta save money for a place more than anything right now since I have until March next year to be out of here since the house is being sold. I don’t know if things would have turned out this way if that wasn’t happening, I’m not sure how long it would have taken me to wake the hell up honestly.. I’m just glad things are going the direction they are now, and the people I’ve met through this, the people from my groups, I’m happy that I met them. When I told my dad about them, his reaction pissed me off. He first asked me ” Well, what are they going to group for?” and I asked him what they think they’re in group for, he asked again and I said “some are in there for drinking, some for weed, meth, pills, drugs dad, they’re there to get help.” First thing he said is I can’t trust them, that drug addicts can pretend and tell you whatever they want you to believe.. and yes, they can but seriously, my dad is one of them, he himself is a drug addict and no, not just weed. So how can he of all people judge the one’s who are in there getting help for it? Whether they’re in there by choice or in there by law, they’re there.. Unlike my dad.. I don’t even judge my dad, what he does is his choice. I don’t like it, but it’s not my body not my choice. I still love him, and he still is more like a dad than my real one, flawed in judgement though.. He thought and probably still thinks my depression and anxiety are just in my head.. If it wasn’t for my roommate he’d have kicked me out for not having a job instead of helping me figure out how to get past my anxiety and depression or get to the places that will help.. I know it sounds fucked up, but it’s the way he is, the way he was raised to think.. At least he didn’t beat me like my bio dad did or beat my mom in front of me like my bio dad did.. Things could always be worse, and there are worse people out there than some. Anywayyys, back to the good. I got the job, still get to go to my groups ‘ although I might cut out some groups, like the ones that aren’t for anything in particular..not sure yet’ and because of all this, I won’t be homeless by next year, and I can work at getting things right with my daughter and at least be confident to fight for partial custody. I’ve got this blog which feels like another big accoplishment for me because I never thought I’d start one. I’m finding myself, not every day is great, but a whole lot brighter than before. Well.. I’m gonna get on with my day and watch this show that I can’t help but keep yelling at ‘as if the people in the tv can even hear me, haha.’ Thank you for reading again..

Matters Of My Mind

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. ~Rabindranath Tagore

Quickie blog